Cyprus 2017 - intentions

So it is 36 days til I go away for treatment.


I have so many things going through my head it is playing havoc on my anxiety.


One question is sitting with me at the moment at what stage do we cut toxic people out of our lives?


Do we fear letting go out people due to the fact we indeed fear of being alone.


Does there toxic company satisfy our needs that we aren't in fact alone physically - even their lack of empathy and emotion. This is something I struggle with daily.


I myself am guilty of the below quote.





What I need to learn is how to develop self care and learn to be on my own. But the pressure of society to have the white picket fence and to keep up with Jones' is huge - now throw in a chronic illness . It doesn't work. Something will break. In which I have broken personally many times and I was able to pick the pieces up thankfully.


I am 35 years old and what does the future hold for me? Who knows? Do I have many friends left? Not really... Is my family supporting and understanding ? Somewhat. Am I constantly having to prove to people that there is something wrong with me YES. I shouldn't have to seek approval. If you don't understand then you can plainly fuck off.




I know that many people suffer from anxiety and depression yet are scared to go see someone - to get some form of help. There is nothing wrong with that. Don't think people are going to look at you strange because if they do, they actually have the problem not you.




I am determined to find myself again. You know what I will.




Blackbird.

Relationships and Chronic Illness

I feel this is something close to my heart.




Not that I have had many relationships but there seems to be a common pattern with relationships and chronic illness.




Through talking to people and those are in marriages, relationships and also are single it seems that there is a common theme.




Being sick do we attract a personality type? It seems through talking to people that we often end up with narcissistic personalities and end up hanging on for dear life.




I have heard both sides of the coin where relationships last and there are supporting partners out there and then there are partners who aren't tolerant of anything and also use the feeding mechanism of keeping you there.


Imagine this - its like we are a little bird in a cage with no food. We are starved our wing is clipped so we cannot fly. We hop around the cage wondering when are going to get fed. Then we find a button, this button if we press it a pellet drops and feeds us. We press it again... nothing comes out so we wait for a pellet to be fed and keep pressing until something drops out. This my friends is .... Intermittent Reinforcement - Intermittent Reinforcement is when rules, rewards or personal boundaries are handed out or enforced inconsistently and occasionally. This usually encourages another person to keep pushing until they get what they want from you without changing their own behaviour. I feel that because of the way we are it is something we may get stuck in. I have been stuck in it before and many of you no doubt have. Our confidence gets crushed - we are on this rollercoaster of emotions.


In the end we need someone that can support us emotionally. But what it comes down to is self LOVE. We have to be happy with ourselves. One book that I am reading at the moment is Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. Pick it up and have a read if you are going through anything like this.


All I can say in this post is try and rid yourself of toxic - relationships and friends. Your health will come in leaps and bounds. I have to listen to this but yet to implement it.


That's all for now - Blackbird

and so she did....

So here I am .... 25/11/2016 a month from Christmas. Less than a month til my contract expires from work and 7 years since I have been sick and diagnosed in October 2010. Nothing will ever stop the memories from flooding through. The day I went to the hospital tore open my results and saw   LEISONS PROBABLE OF MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS. My whole world imploded. People sent me flowers when they found out, as if what I had been given was a death sentence. I remember sitting in the living room with my parents, grandpa and aunty. What now? Everyone stared down into their cups of tea and looked at me with sad eyes. Things started not making sense in my head. The more research I did the more I was able to put the puzzle together. I remember the researching was so bad at one stage dad thought I had a problem and took the internet connection away from me. Nothing was making sense in relation to my diagnosis. Then I stumbled on it. My symptoms were the perfect match of a Lyme like illness. So I pushed my neurologist to test me and received back I am being stupid and to take the injectable he had given me. I remember dumping them down the sink and lying to my dad that I had taken them. I remember the MS nurse coming over and telling me kids weren't a possibility. NOTHING was making sense. The more research I had done the more I realised I must or might have contracted it when I lived in the Catskills in America or I could have been bitten here? My parents thought I was insane. Thus my journey began, through lost friendships and relationships I knew one thing. This was not going to get me. Cut to 7 years later and I am about to embark of a journey of a lifetime. I am going to Cyprus in January 2017 to be treated for my illness. Some may call it Lyme Disease, a Lyme like illness some may pigeon hole it as Multiple Sclerosis. But I will go for a 30 day treatment to see if I can lessen myself of this horrible disease. The sky is the limit.